FEAR OF FAILURE By Lauren Sneath

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FEAR OF FAILURE By Lauren Sneath

When we are first introduced to the real Amy, Amy discusses her need for perfection and her jealousy by stating, "But I've always been jealous too, always--seven dancing princesses. They get to be perfect without even trying, without even facing one moment of existence, while I am stuck here on earth, and every day I must try, and every day is a chance to be less perfect." (Flynn 222). Amy is driven by perfectionism and as a result of being fearful of failure, her life is miserable. She forces herself to put immense amounts of effort into everything because she is afraid that she wouldn't be perfect otherwise, which to her is failure. Therefore, this causes her to be jealous of others who are able to put significantly less effort into their day-to-day tasks.

Nick associates displaying emotion as a male with failing to be a proper one as his father fed him toxic phrases, such as "Men don't cry" (Flynn 64). Therefore, Nick consistently associates masculinity with displaying no emotion, hence why he is fearful of showing any emotion--he doesn't want to fail at being the man he believes he should be based on his father's statements. In fact, Nick stated in regards to Andie, "'This young girl, she hadn't seen me crying into a towel in the bathroom in the middle of the night because I lost my job...I was a fool who believed if I wasn't perfect, my wife wouldn't love me" (Flynn 350). This proves that Nick's sense of failure doesn't only come from losing his job, but also comes from showing emotion; "crying into a towel in the bathroom in the middle of the night" was something he believed made him a failure--something he believed his wife would leave him over (Flynn 350). This is because based on his father's statements, it made him no longer a man--no longer perfect.

Nick admitted to also playing someone he wasn't when married to Amy and his reasoning behind this was because, as he stated; "'I was a fool who believed if I wasn’t perfect, my wife wouldn’t love me. I wanted to be Amy’s hero, and when I lost my job, I lost my self-respect. I couldn’t be that hero anymore.”' (Flynn 351). Nick thought that he had to be perfect for Amy, so when he failed, he lost self-respect as he stated. It was something he feared because he felt like if he were to fail, his wife wouldn't love him and that scared him, so as a result, he put less effort into his relationship to prevent facing his fear of potentially losing Amy by avoiding the truth.

Amy plays different characters and switches between a variety of personalities in order to come across as perfect to the specific person or people she is with. For instance, she is Amazing Amy around her parents, allowing her to come across as truly amazing, as her parents stated, "Amy; We miss your warm voice and your good humor, and quick wit and your good heart", but these aren't traits the true Amy has (Flynn 331). Therefore, Amy limits her fear of coming across as not being perfect--as a failure in her mind, by being someone she is not. This is specifically relevant to when Amy plays Cool Girl. Amy stated, "That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl." (Flynn 222). As Cool Girl appears to be Nick's ideal woman, Amy develops a false persona to come across as perfect to Nick. This is her way of preventing her fear and insecurity from taking over because to Nick, Cool Girl is perfect. Amy felt forced to play Cool Girl because otherwise, her relationship with Nick, through her perspective, would've automatically failed. Overall, Amy limits her fear of failure by playing someone she is not. She stated in regards to Cool Girls; "They're not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they're pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be", so evidently, Amy's fear of failure is what drives her to be the woman Nick supposedly wants her to be (Flynn 222-23).

Hilary Handy was a victim of Amy's framing schemes and she clearly illustrated Amy's intentions behind them by stating, '"I feel like Amy wanted people to believe she really was perfect. And as we got to be friends, I got to know her. And she wasn't perfect. You know? She was brilliant and charming and all that, but she was also controlling and OCD and a drama queen and a bit of a liar. Which was fine by me. It just wasn't fine by her. She got rid of me because I knew she wasn't perfect.'" (Flynn 292). Evidently, Amy's sense of success is associated with being perfect and coming across as perfect to others, and when Amy failed to display a false sense of perfection to Hilary, she was scared. She failed at being perfect because someone knew that she wasn't. Therefore, Amy wanted to restore her sense of perfection by developing a horrific plan to get rid of Hilary. Not only would the plan assist her in feeling perfect again because she would succeed in fooling everybody, she would also get rid of the one person who didn't see her as 'perfect'. Hilary's knowledge of Amy's flaws caused Amy to be insecure. She was truly fearful of failure, which in her mind, was not being perfect.

Nick's longing for a child was a prominent aspect of Nick's way of preventing failure. Nick never wanted to end up like his father, who not only abandoned his family when Nick was a child, but also was a misogynist. Nick stated, "I told her I didn't just want a child, I needed a child. I had to know I could love a person unconditionally, that I could make a little creature feel constantly welcome and wanted to matter. That I could be a different kind of father than my dad was. That I could raise a boy who wasn't like me" (Flynn 295). Nick felt as though he had already failed, meaning that he believed that he possessed more traits of his father's than he should have. Therefore, Nick wanted to prove to himself that he would not be a failed father like his dad. He was fearful that he would be, so he wanted to prove that he wouldn't be. Also in regards to his father, Nick had an extreme reaction when Amy stated, "Without me? You're just you're dad" (Flynn 394). This is because Nick saw his father as being a failure. He reacted in an angry, scared manner because he was afraid of being like him, or even just facing the fact that he was already like him.

Amy stated, "So I began to think of a different story, a better story, that would destroy Nick for doing this to me. A story that would restore my perfection. It would make me the hero, flawless and adored", which represents her intentions for framing Nick (Flynn 234). This step-by-step plan with the corresponding story that Amy had established is what she associated with being the perfect plan that will result in her success. Therefore, when Amy realized that she would have to change her plan, she got anxious because she was afraid that it could potentially result in failure. This is evident in the statement, "I feel a wave of anxiety--everything reappears at some point, even me. I am anxious because I think my plans have changed" (Flynn 280).

Another occasion where Nick plays someone he isn't is with Andie, which symbolizes his fear of failure. Nick stated, "‘I could pretend to be the man I wanted to be—smart and confident and successful—because this young woman didn’t know any different.'" (Flynn 351). This shows that Nick avoided facing his failure--failure to be a smart, confident and successful man--by becoming someone he wasn't. He was scared of his inability to be the man he wanted to be, so he hid his true self--his "'foibles and shortcomings'" from Andie (Flynn 351). By doing so, he didn't have to be scared, or ashamed of himself when around her.

To be specific in regards to Hilary Handy's framing, Amy felt as though she had failed because of small imperfections of hers. Perfectionism drove Amy to believe even the smallest of things to be failure. For instance, Hilary stated, "'a few days later, our midterm grades come, and mine are slightly better, like, four-point-one versus four-point-oh" (Flynn 291). To Amy, she had failed because she didn't receive the best grades. This is one of the things that contributed to her resenting Hilary and wanting to get rid of her because she was envious. Her emotions towards Hilary stemmed from her personal sense of failure, which is something that provoked negative emotions in her, such as fear and anger.

As readers, Nick informs us that he had been lying to the police; "It was my fifth lie to the police. I was just starting" (Flynn 37). One can assume that Nick was lying to prevent humiliation regarding his affair. He was ashamed and believed that he was a failure, as he stated, "I went to Andie's bathroom, took a piss, looked at myself in the mirror, and made myself say it: You are a cheater. You have failed one of the most basic male tests. You are not a good man." (Flynn 149). There is a lot of shame and guilt that Nick associates with his affair, so he keeps that part of himself concealed from others, including the police to avoid people thinking the he was the one who failed at maintaining a healthy marriage. After all, he stated, "You have failed one of the most basic male tests", and although he wasn't fearful in the moment for doing so, he is afraid of informing others that he has failed.

We are first introduced to Amy's fear of failure when the Amazing Amy book series is first addressed. Amy stated, "My parents have always worried that I'd take Amy too personally--they always tell me not to read too much into her. And yet I can't fail to notice that whenever I screw something up, Amy does it right" (Flynn 26). Amazing Amy became a model for Amy, influencing her to believe that being perfect was necessary because Amazing Amy never made mistakes. Her self-esteem became dependent on perfection, and whenever she failed to come across as perfect to others, she felt the need to restore her perfection in one way or another--even it meant she had to commit illegal, or morally incorrect actions.

Towards the end of the novel, Amy's sleeping struggles vanish as a result of finally being perfect. She stated, "although he sleeps like me now, fussy and anxious, and I sleep like him" (Flynn 409). This implies that Amy sleeps without the anxiety that she used to struggle with. Amy doesn't feel the need to overthink anymore because she had succeeded in a truly perfect plan that now makes her a hero. Amy stated, "I really did do a nice job. It’s like painting a mural and stepping back and thinking: Perfect." (Flynn 350). Later on, Boney told her, "You are a hero. You are an absolute hero" (Flynn 380). Now that Amy has proven to herself that she is perfect, she doesn't have to overthink about potentially failing, hence why her fear of failure has dissipated and she can, for once, sleep without anxiety.

Fear of failure is not only relevant in regards to Nick and Amy's characters, but Boney's as well. When Amy returned, she did an interview with Boney. Although, Boney seemed to be aware of Amy's lying, she didn't call her out for it because she seemed to be fearful of Amy publicly revealing her 'mistakes' and 'failure', even though Amy's threats were fictional. Amy stated, "'It sounds like a bunch of cops who got hung up on my husband being guilty, and now that I am alive an he's clearly not guilty, they look like giant idiots, and they're scrambling to cover their asses. Instead of a accepting the responsibility for the fact that if this case had been left in your extremely fucking incompetent hands...'" (Flynn 380). Amy basically implies that the police were failures and to avoid that being publicly addressed, Boney apologized and stated, "'We've spent so long on this case, we want to figure out every detail that we missed so we don't repeat our mistakes.'" (Flynn 380). If Boney wasn't aware of Amy's lying, this would imply that she was scared of her failure being recognized-- otherwise, she is just fearful of failing to defend herself as a result of Amy's fabricated perspective being publicly announced. Although, what really emphasizes Boney's fear of failure is when she stated, "'I mean: I know Amy framed you. I know she murdered Desi Collings. I know it. I just can't prove it" (Flynn 401). Boney does not continue with openly addressing the case and she does not go ahead with deeming Amy as guilty because without proof, she would fail and that scares her.

After being robbed, Amy is on the run and ends up in a parking lot of a fast-food complex. Amy is afraid and goes through a couple scenarios in her head about what could happen while in that parking lot. She stated, "I know I will peak up and see either a crooked-toothed, sweet-talking serial killer (wouldn't that be ironic, for me to actually be murdered?) or a stern, ID-demanding cop (wouldn't that be worse, for me to be discovered in a parking lot looking like a hobo?)." (Flynn 319). This implies that Amy cares more about succeeding in her plan by not being caught than not getting killed. In fact, she rather be murdered than fail, which is quite an extreme perspective. The fact that she goes through these potential scenarios proves that she is scared of what is yet to come.

The main reason why Amy killed Desi was because otherwise, her plan of restoring her perfection would've failed. She stated, "I wonder if I have made a very big mistake", and in order to fix that mistake to prevent failure, Amy goes as far as to kill Desi (Flynn 341). The fact that murder doesn't bother her, but not succeeding does, proves her extreme fear of failure.

Overall, Amy goes to extreme efforts to succeed and prevent failure. She hurts herself and she stated that "the self-mutilation was worth it" because it would allow her to succeed (Flynn 220). Amy seems to be a strong believer in; "The bigger the lie, the more they believe it" (Flynn 390). She goes to extreme measures to succeed to avoid failure, especially involving her lies. This is likely all due to her fear of failure. If she made small lies and established less complex plans, there is a higher change of failure, hence her need to go to extreme measures to prevent it.